Unified Abstract Dissonance

Protected: Author’s Notes: Borrowed Time

Posted on August 30th, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Fiction.

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An’ Back To School We Go…

Posted on August 28th, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Misc..

With luck, this year should go smoothly, provided I get that independent study credit I was looking for. I’m already somewhat lax, taking only 3 courses this first semester, since I wasn’t accepted into directing.

I’m mostly worried about how my work and school schedule will intermingle. I’ve been known to get burnt out from the genesis (as last semester demonstrated). As it stands, I’m looking forward to returning to school, and devoting more time to being at University. Physically.

Outside of that…

I got mad dollars for my birthday. And many birthday wishes, which always makes me smile. I spent the money on a new iMac, the first desktop computer I’ve owned since my ol’ skool Lime iMac.

…Yes, I am supremely aware I could build my own kickass gaming PC for much less. But I don’t want to. GET OFF MY CASE. This means YOU, Ning. >:(

I also got a supah-cool MLG Astro headset dealie-doo from Dan. It’s comfy and very effective, albeit there are many wires, and switching from PC to Xbox headset will become tedious. Still, for the increase in audio quality and comfort, I’m not going to complain… Much. Also, it’s a nifty gift.

The latest news in my ‘return the iPhone’ saga… Is that Rogers is dum, and I should have a 16GB iPhone by the end of next week. Yay? NO. NO YAY. THIS HAS TAKEN FO-EVAH.

…Also, thanks to my Dad, I can’t go into a Rogers store ever again. (adds that to ‘list of places Dad has gotten me kicked out of’ right under Sea World. )

What else… I bought some nifty Gunnar Optiks glasses, as my eyes constantly burn from monitors and vidja games, and my transition lenses don’t protect from that. So far, they’re helping immensely. We’ll see if that continues.

Fan Expo!

I shook Brent Spiner’s (Data from Star Trek) hand, and got a photo autographed for Jaimy, ‘cuz she loves Data. She got a Coalition of Awesome t-shirt, too. They’re pretty bitchin’ t-shirts. Thanks to Louisa and Chantal for making them.

I bought much stuffs at Fan Expo, mostly presents for other people. IT IS NOW LIST TIME:

BOUGHT:

- Unicornasaurus (For Louisa)
- Adult Swim Minis (For Louisa, Dan, Ron, Chris, etc.)
- Mini Munny’s (For Me, but will be gifts eventually)
- Buffy Comic Print (Totally for ME.)
- Batman TPBs (For Me.)
- LICD Volume 4 (For Rob)
- Special Effects Makeup (For Me… AND IT IS AWESOME)
- WoW Draenei Paladin Action Figure (….For me. Embarassed.)

TOUCHED THEIR BUTT:

- Steph
- Erin
- Maria
- Louisa
- Chantal
- Jaimy
- Brent Spiner
- …Dan. -_-;;

MISSED (SADFACE):

- George Jeanty (Artist of Buffy Season 8 Comics)
- Henry Winkler (…Um. The Fonz?)
- Wes Craven (OMGWUT)
- Edward James Olmos (BSG?)
and of course…

- MICHEAL ROSENBAUM (Lex Luthor? All-around awesome guy and very cute. I have mad girl-crush on him.)

…Sigh.

Kay. Back to work. Mebbe.

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Bitches Don’t Be Knowin’ Bout Mah Mudkipz.

Posted on August 16th, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Misc..

4 days ’till my birthday. 4 days ’till I can say ‘FUCK YOU AMERICA, I’M AN ADULT NOW.’

…Not that I don’t do that on a regular basis. In public.

Okay! So, along with burfday includes burfday plans. I is having a ‘Party Like A Rockstar’ party on the 20th. Included will be much Rock Band, Rockstar (the drink), Dippin’ Dots (because motherfuckin’ rockstars get dippin’ dots), and probably booze. I will attempt to take pictures in order to extort everyone later. I mean… Because.

So… Fuckers better be ready to RAWK. Or let me have hawt groupie sex. Hotties only plz.

MOVING ON.

Prior to that, I have an Avatar Marathon scheduled for the 18th, from 3PM ’till WHENEVER. Because Avatar is awesome and watching it is also awesome and I am a motherfuckin’ earthbender. ‘NUFF SAID.

Even before that? Dan is flying here tomorrow! Hurray! Now I can make good on all of my threats of physical violence!

And on a sad note…

I was rejected from the directing course at UofT. Sigh. It’s one of those ‘you need permission from the professor’ dealies that most practical drama courses have, but I’m still rather wounded about it. Or rather, I’m wounded about the reasoning behind it. The professor and I don’t get along, to put it simply. I cemented this relationship last semester by apparently screwing over my group in Musical Theatre. The truth of the matter is, we were all equally lax in our preparations and commitment, but I felt guilty for not being more strict about things, so when it came time to write up our journals on the subject, I took the fall. So… This is the rejection email I received:

Hello, Natalie:

I’m truly sorry to have to tell you this, but based on my experience of your work last year, I’m afraid I cannot accept you into this course.
I have respect for your considerable intelligence, but I’m not so sure you have respect for yourself.
What concerns me most, though, is that directors have to lead, but above all they have to work collaboratively - it’s the nature of the job; and even beginning or student directors simply CANNOT ever knowingly let other people down, no matter what. Last year, in the Musical Theatre course, you demonstrated a total - and willful, I thought - lack of concern for the other members of your team, so that your final Backers’ Audition project, which could have been a pleasure for all, was a shambles. (Even if I hadn’t overheard you - on the day - asking the other two members of your team what you were supposed to do, I could have told from a mile off that you were the least prepared member of your group.)
I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I’m not willing to jeopardize the educational experience of serious and dedicated students for the sake of someone who seems so conflicted about her own commitment to the work.

—

So, I’m thinking out an appropriate reply, one that details my disappointment in her decision and how I disagree with her assessment of my character. The fact of the matter is, as anyone who has worked with me in a group setting (forgoing that one semester) is that I tend to get shit done. I take charge rather handily, I motivate, organize and take on whatever is necessary. For that one example in the email, I have ten examples that stand contrary- all within the theatre program at UofT. I was the stage manager for my tech class group assignment, I’ve worked as the assistant stage manager for numerous productions, and in practical drama courses, I tend to take charge when in a group. This one incident that the professor references in the single time I will ever admit to failing in a group setting. Mind you, I’m also of the firm belief that success or failure in such a setting is equally on the shoulders of the entire group. I think it’s unfair that I’m being targeted as the sole cause of my group’s lackluster presentation.

…Sigh. Sorry, just needed to rant a bit at the end. Welp, I’m off to scrub my store for a bit. CLEANING SUPPLIES.

1 comment.

And We’re Back…

Posted on July 22nd, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Misc..

Not that anyone should care, or even notice that I was gone.

I have about 20 minutes before I start closing up the store, so I figured I would give my blog some lovings.

Firstly? I’m a fruity artfag and now have a DA account. Populated by my first fanfic endeavour, and some tablet doodles… ‘cuz… I bought a tablet. To try and encourage me to draw more.

My hair is cut and it feels/looks good. It’s rare for me to think that anything about me looks good… So… Huzzah for that.

Avatar is over, for now, and that makes me sad. But it will live on in our hearts… And the hearts of fanfiction writers/artists everywhere. Perhaps that will be enough. *dramatic*

In other news? I gots an iPhone. It’s very nifty. More definitive review will follow, but for now… The verdict is… Nifty.

Went out to see a MOVIE. GASP. PUBLIC. With Ning. Saw The Dark Knight, and had many nerdly comic book discussions after. I must say, though, that it is what a Batman film should be. Less retarded quips, stupid puns, and generic superhero BS. More dark and broody, gritty and sad. I also agree with the major consensus, Heath Ledger nailed the Joker. I would totally see this movie again. In IMAX, though. IMAAAAAAAAAAX.

…I saw a Harry Potter movie in IMAX. I don’t remember which one. :S

Oh! I have photos of Pride to upload and share. It was FUN. Also? Gay. Not that the two happenings are mutually exclusive. If anything, they’re mutually INclusive. Gay things are fun.

…Except buttsecks. That just seems… Uncomfortable. :S

I’m glad I decided to write this post today, rather than on Sunday when I was having brain-angst. For once, a non-angsty post! HUZZAH.

Oh! E3 has come and gone. I am excited for…

- Mirror’s Edge
- LittleBigPlanet (duh)
- Too Human (skeptical excitement)
- Rock Band 2 (With ION drum set!)
…

I think that’s it?

Oh wells. Means I won’t be too broke. Maybe.

Okay! Time to start getting the store closed and stuff! CONSIDER YOURSELF UPDATED! Yar.

1 comment.

Nude - Remix’d

Posted on June 7th, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Misc..

Dan showed me this… It’s pretty fucking awesome.

Big Ideas (Don’t get any) from 1030 on Vimeo.

Not much else to say. I wish my face was thinner? Ed Esther said I have nice cheekbones once, that made me far too happy.

…With self-esteem this low? Yup. Acting is the right career choice.

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Everyone Is Ugly When They Cry.

Posted on June 3rd, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Misc..

It’s amazing how much a bit of news can make you hate yourself so much. How something can suddenly make you feel so worthless.

“I hate what you are. You pale imitation of a human being. You disgust me.”

If you think that sentence is about you? …You’re probably right.

And I don’t care.

I’ve never progressed from such deep unexplainable… Unhappiness, to such pure scathing hatred so quickly. I fear for the next person I come into contact with, because everything inside me is spilling over into these crazy little outbursts. I’ve never regarded the world as such an ugly place before. I just… I hate everything about it, in this very moment. It’s these moments that I honestly don’t care about living or dying… And that apathy is mildly frightening. I’m just angered by the non-aciton.

It’s like every passing sensation, the heat, the brightness of the room, the thrumming of my blood through my veins, is just such a huge inconvenience. I can’t be comfortable, my body temperature isn’t right, my head itches, my brain feels like it’s under some crushing weight and that anger is building at the base of my skull.

…My brain is full of mixed messages. Moments of coherency lost amidst a sea of background noise, a million chattering voices all clamouring for some trivial, mundane need to be fufilled. The inability to just think is driving me mad. I can’t say anything aloud for fear I’ll lose my voice and start sobbing again. The choking lump in the back of my throat is gone, but once sound escapes my throat, it returns, my vision blurs and I have to wipe frantically at my eyes… Embarassed by my tears.

There is no true comfort. Being alone just increases that desolate, isolated feeling. I always feel alone, and perhaps I always will. No one gets to hear my thoughts uncensored, and there’s no one that I’d say them to anyways. I think I’d feel less alone if I found someone who I didn’t feel ashamed around. Someone that made me feel like… I was genuine. Like I wasn’t performing for them.

I’d be a fantastic actor, if I didn’t feel so damn fake.

1 comment.

Hello World!

Posted on May 30th, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Misc..

…If you don’t understand why that title is funny, you are not enough of a nerd. GO BACK TO NERD SCHOOL.

Technically, that should’ve been the title of my first post, so I fail too.

Anyways… Most of my current goings-on are work related, as I have no life outside of it, really. But before I get to that…

Game Time:

- Bought Penny Arcade Adventures: On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness: Episode One on both the Mac and Xbox Live. Finished it on the Mac. Very pleased with it, very much a Penny Arcade game, but good on it’s own merits as well. Recommended to fans of the comic, or RPGs and of good writing. $20 isn’t much, I think.

- Bought Gish, for the Mac. It’s a fun little physics platformer (a number of years old, I just never bothered picking it up until Dan reminded me about it when I told him about the PA game). You play a ball of tar that needs to bounce, squish, slide and stick to things in order to save his ladyfriend. Also good, also $20, also recommended. Hurray!

- MGS4 comes out soon, I am excited because I like the MGS series very much. It’s a very cinematic experience that you just help along, and while some people prefer more game, less watching, I am fine with watching everything unfold as Kojima is a fantastic storyteller. Mind you, this game has been so long in coming that it’d better kick major ass or someone is going to pay… Someone who is nearby while I am being let down… So… Fair warning.

- Too Human, Silicon Knights’ oft-delayed 360 offering also has my hopes up. It comes out on August 19th, the day before my birthday, and I’m also looking forward to it… Silicon Knights is Canadian, yo, and Eternal Darkness was a great GCN game. Too Human has an interesting concept backed by good visuals, hopefully the bugs that plagued development are in the past and the game is a success, because it looks like good co-op fun.

- GTA IV is fun, not as sand-boxy as its previous incarnations which is a relief for me, because I find the story much more engrossing and character driven without the tedious and unnecessary side elements. For others, these changes were a deal-breaker for the franchise. (no airplanes) I recommend it if you’d like a less linear sandbox experience… Also because many of the new elements are hillarious and well executed.

- …I am sad that the drums on my Rock Band set are broken. To be specific, the kick pedal cord snapped… Boo urns.

Job Wise:

- I got a promotion! I was let off of my probationary period 2 weeks early (was supposed to be earlier, but the staff have been busy) and given a raise and told that I’d be given reign of the Scarborough location by myself for 3 days a week. This is rare in Badlands history, apparently. Firstly, part-time employees rarely make it past probation, which is sad. Secondly, they’ve never been taken off probation early… And they’ve never been promoted to a store supervisor. I was promoted over my full-time co-worker because the higher ups all thought I deserved it. Darren (one of the boss-bosses) had a bunch of good things to say about my work habits, my initiative, and the way I take charge and responsibility. Lots of good things, I’m happy to be doing a good job, and have that work recognized. I like my job.
I think my coworkers like me, the techs are always willing to explain what they do, and usually offer to show me things without me having to ask, which I appreciate. The upper management seems to listen to my concerns and ideas… So… Glee. PAINTBALL!

- Got a new marker in at work, it’s $1625 and it TALKS. Rather than having a small LCD screen like my Ego, the marker uses a female voice to describe firing modes and stuff. I call her Shirley. Or Charlene. Full Metal Jacket reference GO. It’s a pretty cool looking marker. A field employee bought the first one (in Canada!) it’s serial number is 12. If the one in the back (#65) isn’t sold by the end of June, I’ve resolved to buy it. Even though I like my Ego(s) better… It’s a collector’s item, and also very nifty. Badlands was the first retailer in Canada to sell these, and… MORE INFO IS HERE IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE: DLX Luxe

- Ron (one of the techs) offered to help me customize the new loader I just bought, as he has an airbrush setup that would make detailing the hopper easier, so that’s nifty.

Life Happenings:

- Got my G license, finally. Insurance rates be lower! I can drive a car reel gud. Spelling, not so much.

- Anime North came and went. I was gaming staff and… God, it was a headache. I’ll be a bit higher up on staff next year, as this year was a bit of a trial period to see how competent I was. I proved myself, luckily, so next year might be less of a headache. I’ll be doing WoW TCG stuff as well as Warhammer stuff, it seems. I fucking hate Weeaboos. It’s also worth mentioning that my store is literally down the street from the convention center, so everyone at work was baffled by the people in costume. I just told them to call them nerds, and to point and laugh. They thought it the best course of action.

- I miss sum people who I don’t get to talk to much anymore. Like Louisa, Doofy, Melora, Kat, Diane, Seth, Mark and bunches of others. I wuv roo. <3

- WoW TCG is fun again. Play with me!

That’s all I can think of for now… So… BE ENTERTAINED, DAMNIT.

Oh! I bought a new hat and bunches of other stuff to celebrate my newfound employee discount!

1 comment.

Well, Fuck You Too, Ontario.

Posted on May 18th, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Misc..

Booking a road test online might just be the most retarded process I have ever encountered. Apparently this mysterious thing called ‘the internet’ still baffles and confuses the government of Ontario.

GG Ontario, GG.

…Motherfuckers.

Aside from that, I’m surprised (somewhat) to find out that people are STILL homophobic in Ontario. See, I decided to go out late Saturday night, because some friends wheedled me into it. Long story short, people were drunk, someone singled me out as a ‘dyke’ (I don’t know, I wasn’t even doing anything remotely lesbionic, in my opinion.) and this charming gentleman decided that harassing me would improve his social standing to his buddies and ladyfriend. So, I got sucker punched in the side of the head, and scratched my face on the nearby brick wall, before laying down some massive KUNG FU ACTION (read: I nailed him in the armpit, then the throat, then hastily made my exit… Because I am smart and the last times I’ve tried to prove a point with violence, I have been hurt, so… WISDOM EXIT.) So, aside from the fact that my face is a little scabby around the nose, I’m fine. Kinda baffled, but fine.

In work-related goings on, my time at Badlands has been pretty good. I get to work for a company where I feel like I have value as an employee, and things that I say actually make it to upper management. It’s a nice feeling. I’ve been trained on closing, and get to be the retail associate in charge on Mondays, which will ramp up to me being in charge for a whole week when Shayne goes on vacation. I’m pretty proud of my progress, considering there’s still a month left in my hiring probation. It’s nice for the mundane aspects of my life to fall into place, to give me more time to lament the bigger things that I lack. I think. Maybe.

Aside from work and my occasional goings-on, there is little that happens in my life worth mentioning. I mean… Let’s see what else I’ve done lately…

Oh! I picked up the guitar again. Mostly with the desire to write a song, which I’ve done some sporadic work on… Doubtful I’ll ever finish, but… It’s a nice kind of meditative progress. Also, my hands are far too tiny for guitar, it would seem. Sadface.

I should be getting a new puppy soon. Maybe a Siberian Husky. That’d be nice, because they are beautiful dogs that would be fun cuddlebuddies. Not that Jinx isn’t a cuddlebuddy… I’m just greedy and think that dogs are awesome friends to have. I can’t even begin to imagine all the times I’ve gone and sobbed on Jinx and Zena, just because it was of such great comfort to have them be there… Weird maybe, but they seemed pretty empathetic, or at least I’d like to think so.

Karma… Not so much. She’s rarely a cuddlecat, but when she gets all mewly, it’s cute.

…Animals are pretty awesome.

…Talking with Miatch about the Liz thing, basically summing up what it was I liked about her, and what faults of hers I could think of. Dredges up a lot of memories, and that same lurking confusion and constant asking of ‘why’. Not that I ever expect an answer, just… I suppose it’s all I can do to ponder and remain mired in the past, since I’m somewhat staunchly against the idea of moving forward.

…Perhaps I should become a monk.

If I could wax emo about my whole Liz issue for another moment… (seriously, I should change the ‘Emo’ category to the ‘Liz’ category…)

I think, at the bottom of everything, I’m afraid and ashamed and hurt to admit that… She never really loved me back. That I was really just that momentary distraction when her life took a downward turn. Holy crap, I’m a low point in her life.

…That’s so sad. Extra-pathetic-sad considering how she’s such a high point in my life. Wow.

I exist here, and have these moments in my life where a small voice reminds me of her, and says ’she’s sure to love you now!’ … But I know better. Bittersweet fading memories are all I have, in this twisted echo of something I hold so dear… While I simultaneously chastise myself for being so foolish.

Sigh.

I’ll learn to move on, I swear. One day. Until then, please bear with me, K?

2 comments.

If Ever A Person Was Born To Sing The Blues…

Posted on May 10th, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Emo.

…It wouldn’t be me. It’d be Ethel Waters. Word. Still, I feel kind of blue, not for lack of trying to be positive and… Not depressed. I just… I don’t know, there’s only a certain number of times that you can tell yourself that you’re happy… Before you stop believing it.

I mean, realistically, I don’t want for much in my life. As it is, I have a job, and I don’t have to struggle to make ends meet. All of my base needs are met quite easily. I am not in need of money, I have a job, I’m not failing University (and I don’t even go back until the Fall), I enjoy my hobbies and the friends I’ve made through them, I’d like to think that I have it pretty good. It’s just my selfish need for something more than that which drives me to my misery.

It’s somewhat ironic, I think. I’m often lauded for my insightful capabilities, my intellect, my ability to see things past the mundane day-to-day… I myself am proud of this characteristics, but they become my failings as they allow me to critically view my own life and see how… Empty it is. For someone who constantly stresses and observes such a wide spectrum of human existence… My own is seriously lacking. I live in a constant stall pattern- unable to progress, to walk away, or to ignore such failings. I often find myself wishing for ignorance, to be just like the people who care for nothing more than simple things- people who go to clubs on weekends, drink, become embroiled in the drama caused by their friends… People who exist in their own social circles and are happy to never see the sky. I wish I could be like that, rather than constantly ask stupid questions, and want stupid things.

Unfortunately, no amount of wishing or hoping will change the fact that I will never exist in that kind of ignorance, barring massive head trauma (still an option I’d consider). Of course, these thoughts all culminate in a sentiment I’ve expressed to death.

I’m terribly lonely in the world.

Friendship aside, I feel quite isolated. Romantically, at least. I have no lack of peers that I get along with, from the intellectuals to those who couldn’t care less. From philosophical types to those who are no more than skin deep. I still lack that final romantic connection, if only because every prospect is being held up to nigh-impossible standards.

Of course, I’m talking about Liz. Rather, my perfect memory of Liz. What she once was to me. Truthfully, if I was to compare the Liz of today with the Liz of my memory, the genuine artifact would assuredly fall short of my expectations. So how can I expect anyone else to perform differently? Truthfully, I can’t. I realize this, but my subconscious refuses to take note. Which is made doubly pathetic as I’m certain Liz doesn’t think of me… Probably at all. I had no impact or lasting impression on her, I was just a mistake to her, in the grand scheme of her life… And… I doubt she’ll know how profoundly she’s impacted mine. I mean, how the hell do you bring that up in conversation with someone you pretty much never talk to anymore? “Oh, hey Liz. Funny thing, I’m still totally hung up on you… Even though we only dated for like… A month at the longest point… 4 years ago… Yeah… Hey, where’re you running to?!”

… Yeah.

I remember so many things, too. I remember that she couldn’t listen to ‘Run’ by Snow Patrol without crying. I remember how she loved Tori Amos. I remember almost every conversation we ever had, from the barely-even-exchanges in gifted class, to the all-night phone conversations when… When she’d say that she loved me. Closing my eyes and thinking about it, it feels like a daydream now, and that sad fact is enough to bring me to tears… That it’s so far away and forgotten that it feels… Fake. When we were together… It was that sort of lucid dream existence… Something I’d never believe was happening. Something I never deserved. Something I lost, and that still hurts me today, and I feel worse because I can’t walk away from it. It’s not from lack of trying. I’ve tried to bury these thoughts, move on, forget, understand, all of that… But I just… I can’t. It’s the only time in my life that I felt truly wanted, appreciated, and worthwhile. I didn’t need anyone else’s approval, because I had hers, and that was all I’d ever need.

And… After she broke that… I think I sort of just… Collapsed in on myself. Seeking validation in a myriad of different forms, all fractured pieces of a perfect whole that I couldn’t recreate.

I wish I could just be angry at her, rather than understanding. It would be so much easier to just place blame and make her so ugly in my mind that I’d retch at the mere thought of her. But I can’t, just because… Somewhere, some part of me still loves this girl for who she was. There is probably no evil that she could do to change that… Even if she laughs about me, makes fun of my confusion, and what she did to me. Even though she’s forgotten me, and almost ignores my existence. She could openly humiliate me and I’d probably take her back just as readily. I poured too much into loving her, and when she broke my heart… She kept all that I’d given her. I can’t give those sentiments to anyone else… I can’t truly develop those feelings for anyone else… They’ll always be an imperfect mockery to Liz.

…And some part of me just wishes I could tell her that. With no fear of having to make eye contact, or say anything else afterwards. I wish she could just know what she means to me, 4 years too late. I wish… She could be forced to understand how I feel… And how she’s crippled me. Not in any malicious sort of way… I just… I don’t even know WHY I want her to know, it would just be embarrassing for me, and awkward for her. I just have to remind myself that she doesn’t care, that I’m wasting my time, that I won’t get that chance… But… It’d be just as simple as stopping her one day as she passed me by, taking her hand, and with the gentlest squeeze, just to softly admit it, out loud, that I still love her. And then simply walk away.

…I’ve always been a sucker for getting the last word in.

0 comments.

Rambles.

Posted on April 19th, 2008 by Xeres.
Categories: Misc., Fiction.

…On that note, if I get a small pet, like a ferret… I would totally name it ‘Rambles’.

Sappy late-night musing will go here in a bit… I just decided that having a nap would be loverly. LOVERLY. Eliza Doolittle is the shiz.

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